Ain't that a Bleep!

I fell victim to the same sad love song and that devil PMS, again!

I cried all of yesterday while reading my romance novel and listening to "It's Getting Late" on repeat.Then I started playing "We can't be Friends" on repeat. Then, I started playing "In My Mind" and I began to google. Yes, I googled "I haven't loved anyone since my ex" and then I read articles, and blogs, and wouldn't finish my book because I did not want to read about their happy ending and her pain from holding back. Then, I fell asleep at 7 am . By 4 pm, I broke down and cried. I talked to Yvelle about it and she said I needed closure but I think I had it already. Granted he told me why we broke up and then he fucked /made love me after. I believe it was done there. Plus, after the way I acted in DR, I highly doubt he wants anything to do with me. After the way I acted in the past in general. I have been immature. Part of me wonders if I will ever grow out of it. I used to be such a good woman , but now I feel hardened and bitter. Or is it just PMS?

Anyway, I have been advised to either talk to my ex(see, I can't even type his name let alone talk to him) or move on. So, I have decided to make a list of good and bad things. We are both different people from when we were 19. I think I am still immature to an extent. I need to grow and experience. I hope I can change for the better , not for him though.


Good
Connection- we connected on a deeper level.
Relationship was not superficial.
We had good communication.
ambitious
romantic
dreamer
Mutual respect.
Intellectual connection
Friends and family loved both
easily comfortable with him
we were committed
first real love
were very open
had out own lives
both social
sex got better
he loved me ;cared about me
he could never keep his eyes off of me
he wanted to impregnate me so we would always be linked
no jealousy issues
strong trust
he was thoughtful
naive
family values
he took a while to tell me he was having a child. Maybe cause he thought I was crazy.
he kept calling me when I decided to cut him out of my life
He never said anything bad about me before DR
He remembered the robe
He remembered my number
he was in my bed in DR
he told others about me
we crossed paths many times before we met.
I was able to love deeply with him



bad
we argued/fought a lot in the end
we were both immature
we were long distance
he ate like an animal
he was not sophisticated
I paid for everything
his ego was an issue
he cowardly ended the relationship on the phone
he sent me mixed signals
he tried to sleep with someone I know.
He has a child with someone else
he slept with me and didn't even call once.
he paraded two women in front of me
he's corny/tries to hard sometimes
he is self absorbed
He said he couldn't stand my stink ass attitude
He thinks he knows me
He broke up with me but keeps telling me I am a good woman
He makes it clear that I am not the one for him by not trying to be with me.
He's a flirt
He doesn't know how to be serious
He tried to show me he was over me but not respecting my feelings.
He embarrassed me
I did so much for him and he dumped me anyway.
He broke up with me when I needed him most
We could never be just friends/ or I couldn't be friends with him
He was drunk when we slept together so it probably meant nothing to him
he selfishly and immaturely wanted to impregnate me
He bad mouthed me in front of my friends.
He was an asshole the day after the head incident
He acted like a little bruised ego bitch
He hurt me and lost my trust
I hate when he calls and tries to talk to me like we're cool.

My bad
I bad mouthed him in front of others
I drunk dialed him
I hit him in the head
I cursed him out so many times
I acted like the crazy ex
I had a nasty attitude towards him sometimes out of anger
I didn't get over him when I should have because reality is , if he wanted me he would have been trying to contact me or keep me in his life.
I held on for too long.
I made the mistake of thinking in the back of my head that he was my soul mate
I acted immature when I was around him like I was 19 again
I slept with his enemy not to his knowledge as far as I know.
I fooled myself into thinking he still loves me.
I let myself stay stagnant and get worse/ go crazy.I lost myself
I lost sight of my goals and purpose.
I lost my ambition
I digressed maturity wise
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a fool of myself for him so many times

I need to realize that even though he may love me, we are different people now.I may always love him the same but he is a different person that I dont know. I need to understand that he gave me my closure by letting me know he broke up with me because he was scared- so he says, and he was afraid that I'd cheat on him. I need to understand that he was probably sparing my feelings and probably just didn't think I was the one for him. I need to understand that him telling me that he still thought we would get married in the future is nothing but a lie to spare my feelings and give me false hope. I need to understand that I LOVED him and that's OK but that moment has passed. I need to understand that he was not the one. If he loved me, he would be with me. Or at least try to live with me in his life.I need to understand that it was a very deep and good connection, but it is over. We aren't meant to be. Just because he hasn't dated anyone seriously since me doesn't mean he still wants to be with me or loves me. It just means that like me, he hasn't found anyone that he shares the connection . We are not meant to be. Never were. I need to just let him go and move on.