So, I was listening to Heather Headley's song on repeat on Fri., while on my Myspace page. I updated my "About Me" that night/ morning. I didn't exactly sleep that night or this one and I don't know why...
Listening to this song, reminds me of that episode of "The Game" with Derwin and Melanie. You know, when she came to his apartment, after running into him at the grocery store, and they kissed passionately. It reminds me of when he and I stole a moment of passion that night in June. When he kissed me and it felt like we never skipped a beat.
So many things are going through my mind right now.
The main one is .. I think I still love him. It's Sun. morning and the song is still on repeat.....
it all came back when I had an intimate moment with someone else. He looked me in my eyes, imitating love making with eye contact, the way I've wanted it for years, but he wasn't the one who should be doing it to me. I had to bite my tongue and look away to avoid calling him by another name and saying "I love you!". That level of intimacy and passion was meant for some one else. Him asking me if I still loved him didn't help.. It was something that I associated with someone else. I couldn't help but imagine that it was him making love to me, and I couldn't help but wanting to say his name and say I love you. But I bit my tongue.
Despite all of the shit that we went through, I think I still love him. It's him. He broke my heart so many time, we both hurt each other, he has a child with another woman, but I still love him. Natalie was right. Love is not all smiles. At 19, I thought I knew it all. You won't know if you truly love someone until he makes you cry, you hate his guts,you curse him some horrible disease and death, yet you still love him afterwards.
MY fav line in this song.:
They say if you love something
you've got to let it go (Oh----)
and if it comes back
then it means so much more.
But if it never does
at least you will know (Oh--)
that it was something you had to go through
to grow
I have not been with anyone else the way that I was with him. I haven't loved anyone deeply, the way I loved him. I haven't loved anyone else period since him. I haven't shared that level of intimacy and trust with anyone else. Neither has he. I think when he actually finds someone, it will be hard for me. If he actually has a meaningful relationship with someone else.. and I don't.. It will be reality that he is moving on and it seems like as long as we are in the same position romantically, there is still a reason why he can't settle down with someone else and I may be it. Maybe he holds women to the same standards that I hold them men to.. him..
This song pulls at my heart.
He just graduated from college and is getting his Master's. I am so proud of him. He is finally admitting to being a father. It seems like he is growing up. I wanted to congratulate him, but he doesn't deserve my respect right now.
I haven't cried about him since I don't know when. I haven't thought about him since I don't know when.
He looked so good in his cap and gown. His parents were there, of course. I kept looking at the pics.. imagining if things went differently.. I would be right by his side ... cheering him on.. so proud. We were never able to be friends. We just kept hurting each other.
I think back at how we met. He liked me for years before I knew that he existed. We crossed paths before we knew each other existed during junior high in MSI.. We saw each other at Angela's party for the first time and he was watching me. I was sitting next to him , not knowing he liked me and thinking that he was so cute. Then she came and sat in his lap. We finally met the following year.. Same place. Third time is the charm. He kept looking at me from across the basement party. I was in my pink, sparkle hot pants and a cute white shirt with heels. It was after graduation and his ex was having a party to celebrate. I asked his best friend Jason about him the next day. It was a Sunday. He told me that he had been interested in me since 9th grade but he never told me since he liked me himself. He told me that he was leaving in a week and I'd probably fall in love with him. I told him he was crazy.
That night,I got his number and we spent hours on the phone. We talked about everything under the sun. It was one of the broadest and deepest convos that I ever had with any guy. Randomness : We both loved Baskin Robbins two for 6 Prailenes and Creme and singing Motown amongst other things. We had so much in common, it was uncanny.
Our first date was sweet. We met in the middle of Grand Central Station. I was standing in the middle of the station when he came up behind me with his hand on my eyes. I turned around and hugged him . It was Monday night. We went to the movies and saw Signs of all things. He couldn't wait to kiss me. At first , I thought he was possessive because he kept looking at me and couldn't stop holding me. I was a little leery of him. He told me he thought I was going to be stuck up because I was so pretty and probably used to attention.
We walked to get ice cream and then over to Union SQ . We sat on the bench and started talking . The moment that I really started to like him was when he called his father and said , "Daddy, can I stay out a little longer". He was so cute, young and adorable at that moment. We stayed out until after 12 almost 1. He waited with me for my train. It was a good date.
We didn't talk again until Wed. We both didn't want to be the first to call. I don't know who finally did.. I remember being OK with not hearing from him until Wed. I started actually wondering hard why he didn't call. We talked and made a date for Thurs. I went to the Bx and hung out with him and his family. His parents gave me a big hug. His father told me he heard so much about me . They were so sweet to me . We had a good Thursday, We went to the portrait studio where they were going to take pictures. He rode with me all the way back to Canarsie that night. We sat on the train, listening to my mp3 player, singing along to old school love songs. There was a man on the train with his dog in a shoulder pouch. He told him to hold on to me and that I was a good one. He could tell by the way that we looked at each other.We hung out again on Fri,, but I don't remember much.
I saw him again on Sat. That was the day of Jason's graduation party. We attended it and then we went back to the apartment. I helped him pack. It started hitting me that he was leaving for real. I remember folding his shirt and tears were in my eyes. I had just broken up with Aaron before graduation. I wasn't trying to be with anyone at that point or fall for anyone for that matter. Yet there I was..folding his shirt...with tears in my eyes. Blurry vision. He came over to me and he held me with tears in his eyes. He looked me in my eyes and we told each other that we were in love with one another with tears in our eyes. He held me and we kissed and then we just held each other. He kissed my tears away and I wiped his. I fell in love with him. Hard and deep by the end of the week. Five years later and I still feel it . I remember he was flying out Sun. morning. I went with him to the airport. We had breakfast with his brother and dad. I saw him off. I went home and cried in bed. Holding his picture , praying for him to get their safely.
He was my first real love. It felt like he was my soul mate. I had prayed for someone like him and he just showed .
He was my first in other ways. Our first time together was awkward, but he was so patient. We talked in bed and he told me about his childhood and was vulnerable with me .
I remember when we would fight. I would say "whatever". He said I thought that I was always right. He would get this look in his eyes where he looked like a confused and hurt little boy and I would feel bad about us fighting. I remembered when he scared me and I told him and he cried because he never wanted to hurt me.I remember how naive and immature he could be..We went on vacation together for a week. I remember he told me then that even if we broke up, he would always love me. I remember how he considered getting me pregnant so we would always be together. I remember us wanting to get married and elope and not tell anyone until we graduated. I remember being young, in love , and stupid.
I remember us breaking up two weeks before our one year anniversary. I remember literally feeling my heart breaking, not being able to breathe and just being in constant pain. My eyes were blood shot red. I cried so hard. He broke up with me when I needed him more than anything at that point in time. He says it was him. His parents were divorcing. People kept telling him he didn't know if I was faitful. He would tell me that he knows that I am a good woman and I was.. I wouldn't speak to him after that. I hated him so many times.. That December, I spoke to him online, under false pretenses. He started telling me how he missed me and he never meant to hurt me, he never loved anyone like he did me. He began masturbating because he did not want to be with any one else. January, he came to E's house for a slumber party. We kissed on the couch and I fell asleep in his arms. Then that was it.
Then somewhere later that year we went out to catch up. It was ok. He told me about his parents divorcing. I already knew.. His father and I talked all the time.
We saw each other again at my Christmas party in 2005. That's when he told me he listened to my advice and was going to go to Rutgers instead of wait for Howard. After that, the drunk dialing began...
We hadn't spoken until 2006 when he came to my house . At that point. I only wanted him for one thing. That was the beginning of a nasty fall out. He never called afterwards. Like I was just another chick. I didn't talk to him until sometime late Christmas. He wanted to know if he could come on the D.R. trip with us and I didn't want to be mean so I said yes, I found out prior that he got some girl named April from Brooklyn , that he knew for two months, and their baby was due in April and the child was his. All his sowing his wild oats and sloring away was catching up with him.That was the second time that I ever felt my heart break. We were supposed to have five children. together. I was supposed to have his first child. Even though i said I would never get back with him. At least, if we did, we had that..
I remember thinking that we would get back together so many times. So many times throughout the year it seemed possible and that began the cycle of hm coming back into my life and me having false hope and then him disappearing again. Each time it got worse.
After that, all I could do was be his friend and he fucked that up too.
I let him come on the trip and as usual, he reacted like a child when I threw a battery at his head. He went and picked up a hoe and then tried to sleep with another hoe who was disguised as a friend on the trip. After I told her ass that he was my ex and he was off limits.
After everything was said and done. I labeled him as trash... Burned his pictures. Moved on some more.
So , why do I feel like this now? He is finally growing up. Something that seemed like it would never happen. My friends still love him, but they don't understand . I better never see him anywhere that I go again.
Meantime, I don't know if it is him that I am crying over or the fact that I haven't had anything as real as that in five years.
I saw his page recently, and he placed himself on the same status as me. I know we both grew a lot outside of each other and he has a child. I can see myself welcoming her like she was my own. Which makes me realize I still love him unconditionally but we are so far apart. so fucked up. It will never make sense again. What I want is to feel that level of trust and intimacy with someone else. No one else has been able to come along and erase those feelings from me. That was usually how it worked.
In my mind. I'll always be his girl. In my mind, I'll always be his lady. His soul mate. He will always be mine. I let it go and I keep letting it go, but why can't I find what I am looking for... I hasvn't found a meaningful relationship since.
Why am I still crying five years later about him despite everything? Crying about us. Or some other bull. I don't even know. When I found out he had a baby on the way, I wrote him a long email with all of my feelings. Raw emotion. and I couldn't save it because it just hurt too much. He said he cried when he read it , but then he tries to sleep with someone who is supposed to be a friend. Like he was trying to hurt me.
5 years and counting. I killed him off in my day dreams months ago , yet here he is again in my mind. I need to stay busy in my life. I will run into him on the street with his daughter one day. I can see it happening already.
5 years and counting......
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