The Aftermath of Mass confusion

Last night, I laid in bed hidden under my covers, anxiously awaiting midnight. I was looking back on where I had been and where I was now. Mixed emotions. I still don't know if it is the hormones or the fact that the bum age is rapidly approaching, but I was feeling a little confused and slightly depressed..
Thinking/stressing about life, love, work, bullshit etc. No wonder my hair keeps breaking..
Not that I should be stressing either. I am constantly being reminded that I am still young, I get "You're still a baaaaby!" from numerous mouths, (Shoot. I just got it 10 mins ago while washing my face in the bathroom), but in the back of my head, I am thinking about the future. I'm not thinking that I am young. I know this.. I'm thinking that I am getting old.

8 :15-
I decide to call back Raw. An old lover who is still a dear friend. He wants to take me out to dinner, but in my mood and overwhelming resentment for Queens, I keep him on the phone, contemplating....
I am just not in the mood for Caribbean food and ecstasy for dessert.. Strange, right?

9pm
Soyona is coming back from class in the city and calls on the other line. I decide to not hide in my sheets and make moves. I want a glass of wine at the stroke of midnight, and some laughs and some nice weather. We agree to meet halfway and go to my fav little Indian restaurant downtown. Amin's. I call Hakim to see if he wants to join us, and Rachel, but she has already snuggled up in bed with One Tree Hill. I don't blame her. I was snuggled up with Paradise Hotel. We gab a bit until my 9 :30 bus time approaches and my brother demands to call for Chinese food. I put on my ballet slippers, grab my brown, leather, extremely cropped jacket (because it stops at mid rib cage, but it's long sleeved) and my bag that doesn't match. I don't really comb my hair, but I slap some cream on my face and Balmax on my lips. I head out just in time for the bus. It was just going to be the three of us.

10:30PM-
As usual, I arrive late. No, technically , I am on time since I had to get dressed and wait for the slow ass B103. I love the convenience of stepping off the bus from Canarsie to downtown and walking across the street towards my true love In Brooklyn, Montague St. It's 10 35 and Amin's kitchen is closed. Sy and I are slightly disappointed while Hakim is somewhere speeding down Flatbush Ave , certainly listening to some soca song and unaware of our change of plans. I wave good night to my Indian friends and keep it moving.

11PM-
Hakim finally arrives, looking dapper as usual. I refer to Soyona as a bag lady and my mother. We head back to his car, after walking around Montague to no avail, and we proceed to pretend that it's not after 11Pm on a Monday night in downtown Brooklyn. We drive around downtown , past closed kitchen after kitchen, and random open dining that Soyona made her usual sounds of disgust towards... Soyona says ,"This is the city!! Why is everything closed?!" I reply , "No sweetheart..." This here is Brooklyn. The city is across the bridge." We realize that we are kidding ourselves, offer Hakim a free meal and he finally succumbs to the lure of the bridge and the real city's lights . We head towards Cooper's, my newest Monday night haunt(thanks to some lovely individuals) that I originally decided to skip. .

11:15 pm-
I'm in Coopers with my glass of wine and my Goyozas. A dish that looks unappetizing, but is delicious. Dara , Cody, Nadia, Amini , Neisha's friend whose name escapes me and Khalid are here.. Oh, and this guy that I met last week who remembers me. The place has a nice little crowd. We order real food and somehow get unto the topic of sex. Not all of us. Just the three of us. At some point, Sy and I begin to wonder when our Lipstick is coming and Dara confirms it. I still want to forget so I can be surprised,

12 AM- Happy Birthday to me!
Nadia the bartender treats me to a shot of Patron and I take it with the others.It's official, I'm old! (In my head). I return to my meal and the raunchy convo. The people begin to thin out. We settle our bill and head out.

12: 30 AM-
We are heading to the car. Soyona is jumping on me while screaming "Happy Birthday!"and I brought it in with the two best people in the world. Tis true, but I am still telling Hakim to get his friend! The Sex talk reaches a whole new height. I am lost in conversation and laughs. Looking at random people and smiling at fine men in their Acura's... Lol. All is well. Hakim is driving us home, and for some reason, he drives down by my direction , but turns towards Soyona's. I wait to ask him why is he going to go in a circle, but it slips my mind during the height of slackness and we drop Sy off.
He returns to the avenue that leads to my block and I ask him to pull over. For some reason, I want a Corona.

1:03- AM
I walk into the store and the first thing to my left is a news stand and the cash register is around it's corner. I notice that there is a man wearing a Haitian bandanna on his face and a hood on his head. I walk in the opposite direction towards the back for my Corona. I am taking out two bottles and thinking nothing because another man comes into the store. He walks around towards the cashier, so I think nothing. I reach back by the news stand and overhear, "Hurry up and empty the cash register and give me the lotto money." The dude with the Haitian bandanna moves down a bit so I can't see him. I notice another black guy standing behind the register with a black hood and bandanna on his face. What is a black guy with a bandanna on his face doing behind the register with Raheed? (This is just like the time that I got robbed and thought that they were mad because they did not hear me say hello back, until I realized that the little punk was pulling on my purse-slow processing) I put my Coronas down and exit store left- quick thinking. I get in the car, tell Hakim in the calmest way that the store is being robbed and to drive. Now! Red light and we are already on the corner. I notice that the man who came in behind me, came out. I watch him, thinking he must realize the store is being robbed. Meantime, my little old Jamaican friend who normally sits in the store, is outside with three other men talking about who stepped on his "Bloodclat toe". The guy who comes out after me starts looking suspicious. He begins walking around the corner, ushering this broke ass looking, two door, two toned, Honda Civic. It's the broke ass getaway car. Hakim and I watch in the rear view mirror as the two thieves and the lookout walk towards the broke ass car and get in and they proceed to drive. The little old Jamaican man and his friends have no idea wha gwan.

1 min later-
I am in front of my door. No Corona, but my life in my hands. I tell Hakim we should call the cops. I end up doing it. I try to be anonymous and my number is private. Yet, the city of New York calls me back for direct details. I tell them what I know. Snitch, my ass! This is my neighborhood . My corner store. My friends behind the counter. My clueless, little old Jamaican friend outside. I sing like a damn bird. I even call back to tell them what Hakim remembers. I tell them that is all they will get from me. I don't want to be involved any further. Take care. Seriously, Don't call me!

20 mins later-
I am laying in bed, a little shaken, but very thankful.
The first hour into my birthday I walk into a robbery. It was not by accident. Hakim should have dropped me off first. We didn't need to go in a circle. I didn't need the Corona. Ironic how we end up in places at the wrong time. Amazing how we are able to walk out of them without incident. I manage to fall asleep after venting it out on my African pastry chef's im box, even though he was asleep. That was the first time that I went to bed before 2 am. in a while.

6 AM-
I wake up and I realize that I had His hand on my shoulder. God knows what would have happened if we didn't do the random detour. I wouldn't have walked into the robbery. I don't want to think about what if's. I am thinking about what is. Although I wasn't scared for my life, like I should have been, I knew it was a wake up call.

Life is short. I am young. I'm 24 and still being carded. I still can't rent a car without paying an underage fee of some sort, but I am alive.... and intelligent... healthy.... and happy.... Shit , and gorgeous! I have a lot of life to live. All the BS worrying about non-trivial things is not worth it. Forget the people who have no good intentions. Or the stress of what's next. I had no reason to be hiding under my covers earlier. If I can be in a situation like that and walk out without a word, then I am in good hands. Some people may just see it as something random, but I thank Him for showing me that I am in his good hands and I still maintain that everything happens for a reason.

I don't know how I began to feel like I was losing my sense of self, but forget that!! I am going to embrace life like I always do ....and continue to grow..and laugh hard... and love fiercely... and cry when I want and smile genuinely.. and cherish the good things and good people in my life ... and learn from the bad.... and pick my fav lilly flower off of my fav tree down the block.... and not think about having "cake" with no intentions of eating. (Cake=men/relationships) .....Or what people think... Or making a time line for the way I think my life should pan out.. or worrying about being too nice.. or being too rude when necessary.. Screw it! I'm doing me.
It's my life. I am owning it and cherishing each waking day and experience with opened eyes and a smile.



9:35 AM-
Refreshed..