Reflecting..

I was just having a convo with Adonis about lovemaking and the same old thing came up: What it is that I really want from a guy or in my life, but can not seem to get. Bad enough I am not where I want to be- career wise, which I guess is what holds me back from being with anyone really, but I am about to be 24 in 7 days, and the most serious relationship that I have ever had was with B-for Betrayal, who, even though I say don't love him anymore, blinded me by trying to sleep with A- for Adulteress, the trife who posed in the earlier vacation pictures as my newest invited friend and then had a red A in her spot by the end of the week.

Over both of them. Next.

I am approaching 24 and I haven't had a serious relationship since him or been made love to in general. I mean, real ,sincere, passionate, kiss me on my neck, look me in my eyes, whisper in my ear or say it out loud, lock hands, slow motion for me= lovemaking.

I have changed. I no longer let my lustful nymph take over for the sake of a decent thrill ride- If I am lucky and it is at least decentI may just reach 25 and never experience love making with the emotional attachment.
What I really want is the emotional attachment- the rest will follow.
I feel like my period is making me depressed and has me talking in circles. I don't want to have a relationship with anyone until I take care of my own business.I have been avoiding it for too long, becoming stagnant. At least I am smart enough to not get involved with anyone right now. My past dating flings reflect my level of seriousness and my perception of self. How to change my perception? Change. Do what I have placed in the "for later" folder and step my game up . Vague, I know. Oh well.

I'm feeling a little overlooked= even though I don't really want to be looked at right now.

I need to set my goal for 25 and it is to make as many positive changes as I can and broaden my description of who I am. I will probably find myself in recluse until I figure out who that is and feel comfortable with where I am. On some level, I wish I had someone special to walk with me as I find my way . On the other hand, I maintain- I like to have it together and I don't want to bring anyone into my life until I feel that way again.

Can you tell that I am a mess right now?