In so many ways

BFF2 and I were discussing a friend of his who he says reminds him of me. She gives good advice, holds intelligent convos..and wears the pants in a relationship. He said the only odd thing is she's white and 4'10 and in Med school. I like her already. I refuted the notion that I wear the pants in a relationship, though I've heard it before and of course B for Betrayl was his example. I told him funny enough BFF said the same thing about our relationship but then BFF2 admitted that B was like that with every woman. So there goes his theory. He also said that women who wear the pants are often single because they refuse to settle or tolerate bs. I agreed on the not settling and tolerating bs part, but it has nothing to do with me "wearing the pants". I told him that B was the only person that I had a serious relationship with and for some reason he did not know that.. The others were all people I dated while I held back and on to the past, never allowing myself to get serious. Anyway, BFF2 asked me if I think I loved him or was only in love with him. He has a theory that if you really loved someone you still would no matter what happens. Unconditional love. I said I did back then but I feel nothing now. Not love nor hate. I'm just done and finished with the past. Hate is the opposite emotion of love and even when you hate , you still care enough to do so. I feel nothing. But I felt like a wound was being reopened when I was telling BFF2 when I finally stopped caring. It was the fact that despite everything Brian and I have been through, I always thought he respected me enough to not do what he did. I didn't love him but I still trusted him to be the one who would never disrespect me. That much I could count on him not to do and then he did. But then again, he spent the entire time gazing at me a his ex-gf's house before we met. I guess it was my karma even though it wasn't on purpose. And all the betrayl I endured from so called friends stemming from thst incident.. I am finally getting past the people I left in the past. BFF2 said Brian cared but was ignorant about my feelings and how it would affect me. It didn't matter. I said I am no Rihanna. Lol, Bff2 laughed his ass off and said we know you're no Ri-Ri-physically or emotionally. I try not to dwell in the past because it is pointless but once in a blue moon I'll force myself to think about him for a few seconds to see if how I feel now is just temporary because I blocked things out or if I'm truly over him. it's not temporary.I can't even get myself to focus on him for more thsn 5 seconds and illicit a feeling. It's bittersweet in a way. I told Dre about my wound almost re-opening. I don't know why he thought I meant along the line of feelings for my ex. I didn't want to tell BFF2. After making his usual comments, Dre said he was thinking that I deserved better and then he had the nerve to say maybe. I didn't cach that the first time. I said of course I do. That's why I moved on (and let go). I've long realized that he wasn't the person I fell in love with back then and moved on. And I know I deserve better, but seeing those words almost rattled me. I'm a good woman. I know how to treat a good man. I deserve someone who is going to want me for me, respect me in good times and bad, and love me as deeply and passionately as I'd love him, as I loved Brian. I deserve someone who loves me the way I loved and cared for him. Everyone does..Of course I deserve that.. but will I ever find it? That's the part I hate to think about.. So I don't. I read my silly romance novels from the library and hold out for someone better.