Spin Cycle.

I spent the majority of my yesterday lazing around in bed and watching Frasier. I didn't get to catch up on my reading like I planned but instead spent the better half of my day daydreaming. After thinking about where I am and what I am missing, I came to the realization (again) that I've been here before..

For some reason, I keep repeating this cycle in which I start off happily single, then I become interested in sharing my time with someone, then I begin to feel like I need to share my time with someone, I become convinced that it may never happen, nowis not the time, and I swear the search off,and then I retreat to being happily (first dissappointingly) single. Repeat. It's too late for me to make the cycle sound more sensible. The point is, I always think that I am not finding that person but then I look at myself and feel like if I did find him, I wouldn't even be ready. Am I truly ready to be with someone or is it that I just want to be? What's the differene? Ah.. Well, I want to be , sometimes. Am I READY? Sometimes. Then there are times like Saturday night when we have discussions about people who are my age and getting married or having kids and I'm thinking "Not in a million years!" (well not a "million", more like 5) but there is a reason. I'm in a different place in my life. I'm sort of where most people my age were four years ago. So,yes. I'm behind. The idea of marriage and kids seem so insane to me right now because my head isn't there and neither is my career. Of course it doesn't have to be, but then on a simpler level, there is the whole relationship thing. Why am I not meeting someone? Maybe because part of me doesn't want to right now? Then again, on that same Saturday , I was having thoughts of why can't I meet that someone already and wishing that I had. If I meet someone who is where I want my ideal guy to be then he would most likely be ready to settle down where as that's the farthest thing from my mind. Like South Pole far. That is, unless,he is someone who is sort of on the same schedule as myself. You are who you date, right? So, I'm realizing that at 25 (almost) my outlook on life has changed dramatically. At 19, I woud have ran to the courthouse with my first love. Now, I'm not even sure if I can handle a first date. It's not trust issues or baggage either. All of that is gone now (finally). It's more about expectations. Expectations from him and from me. If he's in school like I am and hasn't started his career yet then it would seem a bit easier . If he's already into his career then I'd feel like I'm holding him back or I'm behind. Really, though, I am back at the point where I realize (again) that I am not where I want to be right now and just in the general senss like employment, having my own place and being in my goal school, or more so being satisfied with where I am. Then I wonder if I am truly a perfectionist. Or maybe I have control issues in which I need my life to be in a certain order in order to have let myself open up fully to the possibility of being with someone. I think it's normal to not want to be in someone's life until you have your own focused and figured out to some degree.What good are you to someone if you aren't together yourself? Am I being too hard on myself? I can say I do have it to some degree but I feel unsettled for the most part.

Is it foolish to not want to date because I'm not working or I don't have my own place? And with feeling unsettled deep down inside, I keep that ring on my ring finger that my old stalker pointed out two days ago. He says it's a defense mechanism: My way of warding off potential mates. I realized (again) that I say I want to meet someone and have something meaningful now, but in so many ways I am still holding back and warding it off with more than just a ring. Feelings of inadequacies. Fears of not being good enough because I am not at a point where at the very least I am satisfied with myself. So that's it. I am not satisfied with myself and I'll push men away or date those who are just as confused or finding their way until I am satisfied, and I need to stop that altogether. Why do I keep fooling myself? Why am I afraid to date someone who is more settled than I am ? Control issues. Inseurities. Eh. Mr. West said it best. He asked me which do I prefer. Being single or being in a relationship. I told him that I've experienced and enjoyed both. I like my freedom but I like having someone to come home to and confide in and so I said I don't know which I prefer in frustration. He said he believes me. I don't know what I want. But I do. I just don't think now is the time to have what I want and yet I keep forgetting why.. Lol. Foolish reason? Maybe. I am constantly grappling with this issue. Watch me have this epiphany again in another couple of months.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.