The Dating Game.. What it is and what is should be..

Yesterday, Gaby and I were doing our speech hw for Monday and we started talking about dating. Now, she's about 6 years my elder and unattached so the dating game is still relevant to her. We were recalling our best dates and for a second I thought I hadn't much to recall, but then it dawned on me that I actually had an interesting dating life when I was a willing and active participant. However, I did note that all of my " good times" we were with guys who were older. After my relationship with Brian, I refused to date anyone of the same age for maturity reasons( that didn't make a difference) and financial reasons. See Brian and I broke up because according to him .. he couldn't handle me paying for everything and then the ego trip and insecurity came to light. Now I think back to when we were dating and I remember paying for all of the dinners and the hotel stays and maybe we split on the movies. We split on the activities too... I think Orlando was split too...I can't remember.I try to recall how he "wooed" me and I realize that after the first three dates, we went away to college and we sort of just found ourselves in a relationship. On breaks, I was more so the one to take care of everything. It's in my nature. I always planned and he'd go along with it as BFF said. Not that it was a bad thing, but bff says like Claire, I sort of " wore the pants" in the relationship. Now I thought it was equal..except for me taking care of everything. It reminds me of what I read in my Sociology book yesterday about The power theory and the conflict view on gender roles. The one with the most in the relationship is usually the one that leads it. I guess it was true for me at 18. It's true for Claire and Cliff now that I think about it and it seems to hold water unless things are balanced.

After Brian, I recalled my first date with Sean. I remember we went to a diner for breakfast and I went to pick up the check and drop my card. At that point it was second nature. He pulled it back from me and said I was being nosy. I sort of fought him on it and then decided to leave the tip. I don't think that he let me do that either. It felt so weird and uncomfortable to not pay for the first time. I should have been happy, but it just felt odd. Jazzy would say that it's a control thing but I don't think so. It was just something out of my ordinary. After Sean came O. This is when the real courting began. I was 20 and O was 24/5 . We went out to dinner.. which I didn't like because it was Pad Thai ( my fav now) but it was heavy with cilantro (which I hate). I nearly gagged. He was so sweet though. He asked for the bill and then we went next door to the Coffee Shop and had burgers and drinks. It was not planned but we ended up enjoying ourselves, the date picked up, we shared his favorite ice cream cookie dessert while we walked by Cosi's and we had a great time. The official first date. Too bad I was convinced that he was gay..

After him came Trey. Ohhh Trey... Our first date was a nightmare and yet I was kissing him good night. We had talked for about a month before we went out. I remember I was in my business suit coming from a meeting when we met and he was dressed in a suit as well. This was about two months after O, so I was just about to turn 21. Trey was turning 24 the week before me. On our first date we went to my favorite restaurant, Sugarcanes. We were on my turf, in Brooklyn, so I got to pick the place. He later told me that he wanted to leave a lasting impression on me and that he did! He ordered the fried chicken without any please or thank you's. He pulled his silverware out of the napkin without unfolding it so they would just drop and clank loudly on the table. He shoved a piece of chicken in my direction with his hands asking me if I wanted piece. Oh and the shrimp!! We ordered their shrimp appetizer which was like a butterfly shrimp. So of course he put sauce on the shrimp and proceeds to lick it slowly asking me "What does this look like? Yea!!!" ever so loudly! By that time I wasn't legal to drink but I remember holding a wine glass over my mouth trying to get the last drop. It was one of those moments and the wine is what led to the kissing on the promenade. Date two went better as we went to see Nas and Keisha Cole perform at Pace. He'd take me out to dinner.. and always embarrass me with his purposeful lack of manners. He drove with us to AC for my birthday where I learned what it's like to be against a window and how to play roulette and win. Never bet against lady luck. Then there were the many lounges and random drives and hotel stays- split down the middle or my treat- his treat. He used to want to pamper me with paid manis and pedis and hotel stays with jacuzzi baths and bubbly. I look back now and realize I should have given in to it but it wasn't me... yet. I'd do the jacuzzi and bubbly now. I can handle my own mani and pedi pampering but the thought was nice. We had great times.

Then came Ty.. I was about 21 and he was 25. By this time I was driving and addicted to renting fast cars. We dated for a few months and we shared a lot of laughs. We did museum trips and sushi restaurants. Walks through Central Park and the Promenade. I convinced him to be bad with me and we movie hopped at that small theater on 12 th street. That was actually risky but he was so giddy when he slid past the security guard as I waited on the other side. We did the Labor Day Parade where I learned he knew hot to speak like a real Jamaican and " Bro" didn't quite dominate his vocab. We went for drives in the city and he'd call me a speed demon while he held on for life but it was all good fun.

Then came Derwin.. I was about 22 and he was 26. He wasn't what I expected at first but we fell into a whirlwind dating ...thing. He was perhaps the most sophisticated of the bunch with the exception of O. I remember in one of our many convos before our first date I shared with him my wanting to go to The Blue Note again. I only went once with my friends from Hofstra on a randomly suggested voyage to the city when I read that it was $5 to enter. We had a great time but I would have enjoyed it more with a date. Well , color me surprised when he took me out to dinner and then for drinks at Blue Note to watch a show. Then I believe date number two was a play Bridge and Tunnel- A one woman show. It was a surprise and so different yet thoughtful. Loved the show. After that were some dinners and then the cruise around the city for Valentine's Day-his treat and the room at the Marriott, my treat. We had a nice balance there and it went on with dates on the weekend where he'd woo me with dinner at Merchant's and random outings and our rendezvous on Wednesday where I'd cook for him in something short and silky and we'd share wine and mess up the bed and just relax.

That was in '06. I often say that my past is a blur and I think I lived so deep in the moment that I didn't even realize it was happening. I hung up my dating hat in '06 out of sheer disinterest in casual dating. I don't even think I got into casual dating with the intentions but I more so fell into "enjoying myself" and that I did. Each one of them wanted a relationship with the exception of Derwin's ass, but I was so young perhaps and interested in being free maybe? I don't know. I was holding my own, vivacious, living on the edge and having fun and they wanted to have fun too.. but they also wanted to keep me to themselves. Like Jay- 24, who had done most of his courting by talking and that was pretty much it. He expected to just fall into a relationship like hs and though I tried to fight it.. I went against my rules and fell in. That was the last of that nonsense. I can't be in a relationship without really dating the person.. Maybe then I would have noticed his lack of manners. And why is it folks think that a few dates equal to or is grounds for a relationship? It's totally lost on some.

Now I listen to dating stories from Julie,Suzzie and Jazzy- ugh, they rhyme. I listen to these older ones talk about their dating life and live vicariously through them... though it dawns on me that I've been there already and I stopped for a reason. The only difference with them is they have their own place to be more free. Though I always enjoyed racking up reward points. I don't know. I sort of envy or miss being a part of that exciting time but then again I don't. I knew what I wanted and decided to not date until I started meeting someone along those lines. I didn't want to bullshit date, which is why I couldn't date Akeem since he was Muslim and I would never convert though it would have been nice to be with a pastry chef and make magic in the kitchen with chocolate and whip... Anyway, I realized at 22 that casual dating was for those who didn't know what they wanted or weren't ready for anything serious and I figured why date if I'm not seriously ready to settle down if it goes somewhere. Now, I'm facing 25 and I find myself grappling with the same thoughts ... sort of. I'm a little more interested in settling down since my life is going in the direction that I want it and it's less complicated, but I still feel like there is one more thing that I need to do before I can jump all the way in and say ...yes, I am ready to date you ...even while knowing that we may end up in a relationship months from now. Still, I miss the spontaneous moments and good times but I am so picky and I'm reluctant to go there unless it is with someone who has long term potential. I think I am less back and forth and more so standing my ground.

I'm at a point where I'd like to not fall into something quickly and I want and need to take my time with this next one. Let it build up and hopefully making it count for more than another stint. I've been holding off emotionally for so long,refusing to fall in love and get caught up with just any good time Charlie. I stick to celibacy because sex is overrated in the casual sense but that's a blog for another day. I realize that like Suzzie and this Power Theory, I have been the pursuer at times or had the upper hand and I rather be the one courted than the semi-courtee. I liked having a guy show that he's interested by doing his "role" and I like being formally asked out on a date instead of making plans. Jazzy says sometimes it's good to sit back and let the guy do his job . If he wants you then give him the chance to show you. She thinks me and Suzzie make it too easy with the compromising and "equality nonsense" As she so candidly puts it... " We have the vagina for a reason". They're supposed to court us and then when it is said and done we share the check. I wont exactly say that we don't let them court us but then I remember when I sent Derwin the not so cheap flowers on Vday because of the mishap on my account and I'm thinking what the hell was wrong with me? That's something a guy would do when he messes up. I finally played my role wit Richard though he turned out to be crazy, but he still managed to understand the concept of dating and courting at his age. He wanted to treat me like a porcelain doll and put me on this pedestal while he took care of everything and then there was the whole power couple talk. Maybe he didn't completely understand..Nice as it seems, it just wasn't me. Minus the power couple aspect. I wanted to be treated special but not like I was his trophy as he joked. Before I realized that he was unstable that word took me back to my hs boyfriend Captain Quarter Back who thought I was his trophy girlfriend and wanted me to be his "trophy wife" He was right before Brian...Shit...EPIPHANY! E-freaking-piphany...

I'll pick this back up later..