Reality Check.

At dinner the other night with Brando, Joan and Mel, Mel asked the questions that have been beaten to death. Would you date someone who made less than you?
Would you date someone who had a regular job and had no plans to move further?
Would you date someone who had potential but wasn't where you wanted him to be?
When we were younger 20/21, we all agreed that it isn't our job to mold anyone or deal with "fixeruppers" as Mel puts it. If jazzy was there with us she would have had a fit since she hates this conversation as she feels it's superficial and irrelevant because we are still in our "early twenties" (She's 28). But is it really? Is it wrong to think long term instead of here and now? Is it wrong to not want to have to push someone to do better (like she found herself successfully pushing 31 yr old Michael) but to want someone who wants to do it himself? Now, Mel recently admitted to having shallow views on men which partly explains why she hadn't begun dating until now and why she always initiates the convo. We dubbed Mel "neva satisfied" in the past because of her "standards" or high expectations that weren't realistic. Her motto used to be "If he doesn't have his shit together by 25, then he's a bum." We all agreed at one point until reality set in for me through dating that life doesn't work that way. The last time we had the questiona convo in Joya, I said my piece and listened in annoyance to Joan and Mel go on about why they disagreed and would not do it. This time I found myself opposed to my old position.

About two or three years ago, I've dated guys in the 24-27 range like Derwin,Trey and Ty who had random jobs, weren't in school, lived at home and held their own. It was great and nothing was off limits. They all went to school like I did and then left to work and do their own ventures with the intentions of returning but in reality they did not know what they wanted in life. We are who we date, right? Eventually my demons from the past were catching up with me. I began wanting to move forward and date guys who had direction in their lives as I desperately tried to find my own. However, I found myself facing my own insecurities about my life's path and dating someone who had found his or was in school working his way to it. I felt like he would be moving forward in his life while I felt stagnant and stifled because my lifestyle was no longer making me happy. So it helped form my decision to not date and figure my life out for the next two years. I needed to go from a short term dating thought process where I figured I was young and time was on my side to a long term where I realized that the next person that I date could be "the one" and if that's the case... what is he doing with himself? I faced my demons and returned to school with my focus on my future, and now I can't help but want to date someone who is equally driven about theirs.

Now, Mel asked if she was wrong for feeling the way that she did. Not wanting to deal with guys who were "fixer-uppers" or hadn't reached their potential. In the past, Joan, who not more than four months ago stood firm on her thoughts that a guy should be making as much as she did or more said she thinks it shouldn't matter. Color me surprised. At 21, I had to remind them that it is not likely that a guy our age would match her now but she should know this as she and med school have been together for 5 years, I asked her why she had the change of heart after I've been saying this for years and she said she realized that she has to be more realistic and it shouldn't matter. I guess the reality that md school will have insurance and loans to pay off finally set in with her.I joked that she was the same one saying that if she wants to go on an expensive vacation or out to dinner every weekend, he should be able to keep up financially. She said yea... but if a guy is doing what he loves then who is she to judge. I gave her an "aww" and said she was growing up. Then, I gently asked Mel to explain her position and if she herself had reached her full potential- seeing as the "bum age" is rapidly approaching and she's still in undergrad.. circumstances or not. Obviously I know the answer to this question and it seemed a bit hypocritical and ridiculous that she'd have these demands. She said no, but she's on the path to where she wants to be. So I asked what's the problem with dating someone who is on the path as well? She said what if the person isn't in school. So then I asked what's the guys job since I knew it wasn't a random question. She said he did pc work for agencies. Now Brando is sitting with us and he's a pc technician with a retail store but hates his job and he isn't going back to school .However, he is moving forward to another job opportunity with potential for growth. Growth. That's the point. So, I said ok.. he does IT work or something. So what's the problem? Is it his personality? Can he carry himself well in different situations? Is it that he's making less than you which I doubt? She said no, great personality,he makes a decent living and he handles himself well. Ok... but she said she prefers someone who makes more than she does as he is older and should have his "shit together". I didn't get it and I'm wondering if the guy is Trey's friend. I asked if he's happy with what he does and she said yes. She said she sees potential in him but doesn't feel like having to be the one to bring it out. I'm thinking Ok.. I sort of understand. He's working in a position where he can move up if he wanted to but he isn't trying to.. It's like when I had to convince Brian to go to Rutgers when he was waiting on Howard which wait listed him and he was already accepted at Rutgers. Or when he chose to work at Mc Donald's instead of taking the job offer at Balleys and the law office. Or how I had to convince Trey after he was fired to push his resume out and get into a position that offered him room to grow. Where's the ambition? Some people purposely hold themselves back. I should know.

Mel then asked me about the guy that I ran into from my old block and I told them what I knew. He's 28, went to school upstate but left, lives at home and works as a barber in the neighborhood. She said he was a perfect example of a man with a normal job and then asked if I would date him. I thought about it and said no but reminded them that I've dated guys with the " normal" job. It wasn't so much about him being a barber. It was about him being 28. What does that mean? I'm about dating responsibly and my approach to dating is that you can potentially be someone that I may spend my life with..Naturally, I want kids and they need to eat and have clothes amongst other things like a house to live in.. etc. So, I am busting my butt to go further and build that foundation for them and I want someone who is pushing themselves to do the same. I said if he told me that he wanted to open up his own shop eventually then sure. She asked what If he was content on being a barber only. I said fine, but no. Can he help pay a mortgage and tuition on a barber's income? Julie Parker brought this up one day also when she, Julius, Suzzie and I were out. Julie said if her man wanted to be a custodian for the rest of his life and he loved doing it then she'd say go ahead baby and clean those toilets. Julius,Suzzie and I asked does he plan on being a Janitor for the rest of his life or is he going to work his way up to head custodian? Funny enough, I've been seeing this around lately. Kings of Queens just tackled the issue with Carey pushing Doug to move up in the company even though he's happy being a bus driver.She asked him why doesn't he want more for himself? More for them?

Let's check into reality. Who wouldn't want someone who wants more for themselves? We should always be looking to grow. Next reality check: The number one argument in marriages is finance. We reviewed gender roles in sociology and it was stated that the person with more resources in a relationship tends to lead it. If there is financial balance then the relationship will be balanced because neither one is dependent on the other.I've looked around at relationships in general and it's true. If one person is making all or most of the money while the other is not making half as much, what ultimately happens? Who is dependent on whom?

Now, I've been told by a couple of people that I'm too young to be having this mindset, but am I really? I mean 25 is around the corner. I will no longer be lumped in the 18-24 category. Majority of my male and female friends tend to agree on the issue and we wonder at our age what's the difference between us long term thinkers and the short term thinkers? Am I wrong for being ambitious and wanting someone who wants to push himself and not yes, lets say it.. settle in life? Am I too young to think long term potential when dating? Would I date someone who made less than me now? Yes. If he is working his way up to somewhere. Ideally, we all want to be with someone who is on our level mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially speaking. Does my ideal mate have to have a white collar job? No. My dad was a construction worker and my mom is a nurse and they had their balance. As long as he can take care of ours, even if I can't for the time being then we're good. As long as he can carry himself with sophistication and isn't rough around the edges..then we're good. As long as he is about pushing himself to do more than we're good. Do I want to be making more than my husband in the far future? I'd prefer that there would be some balance but I am not carrying him the whole way. It will eventually lead to tension and issues. I've watched enough of divorce court and witnessed first hand how unbalanced incomes can cause issues in marriages. it's reality. Now is Mel wrong? I don't know. She wants someone who makes more than her now. I want someone whose mindset now is not just about being content with meeting his basic needs in life but someone who understands the reality and hardships of living in this world and raising kids in this world and how you can be a paycheck away from foreclosure even if you make a decent living. I want someone who strives for more in general because he wants to do more for himself and future. Someone who doesn't limit his outlook on life and where he sees himself, but looks at his future as full of infinite possibilities with no defined salary cap.