Somewhat stuck..

My life is on the upswing in the sense that I'm finally content with where it's heading. Things are moving in a different direction and it has been for the better. I no longer feel unfulfilled or stagnant due to a lack of responsibility and superficial goals. I'm on the cusp of true adulthood and I'm realizing more than ever that I need to get my own space within a year. It's not a matter of not being content here. In fact I think that I am way too comfortable, and I feel like I am in limbo between the younger me and the woman that I'm becoming. I want to purchase my own condo or co-op even though I'm a little paranoid about living alone. My fear of living alone seems weird since I don't like people in my space for too long (and by too long I mean more than three days), but I think that the natural comfort and security of being with my family overrides the feeling. I am closer to my family than I'd like to admit. I am attached, but unfortunately 25 is approaching soon and I need to be on my own again. I just don't trust the city or being a single woman living alone. I've watched too many L&O SVU episodes to know what dangers are lurking in apartment buildings. Fine. I'm paranoid. I think I'd feel safer in a brownstone, or I should get a dog. Nonetheless, I need to get my own space to continue growing. In the meantime, I need to finish redecorating my room to have it reflect who I am now while keeping few things from my past. I don't know why I still have those Barbie doll collectives up on the air conditioner, or the pretty Disney Christmas card replica that I made in my junior high art class, or my Safe sex poster project from my high school health class that remain on the walls. They each represent a different point in my life and it has taken me a while to put them away.

The main thing holding me back from moving out right now is the fact that I don't want to waste money in rent while I have a house. In a sense it's a good thing. If I had my own place then I'd probably be dating far more and that would only lead to trouble since I'd have privacy in its greatest sense. I don't bring guys here because .. I just don't. I've gotten used to a certain lifestyle which I think would help me when I have my own space. I know that I'll be less likely to have a guy in my space constantly unless we were serious and I wanted him there. I can wait until my brother goes off to college and my mother is sticking to her word that she wants us to sell within a year. She wants me to look for houses in the city for her and condos for me. I hoped that she'd stay here or I'd keep the house but I don't want to deal with maintenance alone. It's not written in stone yet. I love my house. It's my home.. but I can't buy another place without selling this one.. I don't know what to do. I want it to be like 06 when they had the apt in Philly and I had this house to myself. Clearly, I am still working this out in my head. I'm comfortable, but I need to move forward.