Laying it down

At times, I'm not a patient woman. I'll be the first to admit that.. In fact, I'll be the first to tell you when you're making me count slowly or cut through the bush in an effort to not get frustrated. I learned that from dealing with Trey Wiggs. I am definitely an aggressive woman. Anyone can tell you that... If I want something .. I'll go after it. Sometimes it is my downfall.. I've learned to control my impulses and use rationale, but I have my moments. I'm guarded until I find myself really liking someone ... but when I sense mixed signals.... my patience wears thin... irrationality sets in.... and I start fixing that wall up again. I hate feeling like I let my guard down and I'm becoming all ridiculously open but his interest has shifted....even if it may be in my head.... or miscommunication .. I still feel it. This is how Trey and I first fell apart... miscommunication sent our guards back up... then he returned to work and became busy which is fine... but less contact.... I started feeling like an after thought... and the walls went up. I'm the type of woman that can balance myself out without pulling back...for some reason guys don't think like that.... I wish I could be that way but I can't . I try not to be all girly and emotional.... analyzing why it seems so... and thinking irrationally... but the more I feel like maybe "He's just not that into you". the faster I lay my bricka. I can't stand thinking/feeling like I'm losing or have lost control over my feelings... especially when I think I'm the only one feeling this way... I generally hate the unknown but it's even worse when it comes down to me being interested in someone. I don't want to be that girl who is so into a guy but he is not feeling the same way. Actually, I hate to look like the one who is so into a guy and he is just going about like ...it's whatever....even if it's all in my head.. I still feel that way. It takes me back to JHS. Mara, you know. I don't want to be the annoying one. I've always been the type to internalize my feelings and not say what's bothering me in these situations. I'll go quiet. When prompted to speak.. I find it hard... I know how I feel but I don't know how to respond without being vulnerable.... normally I wouldn't care... but not when I let my guard down...and it feels like I may have done so too soon.. I try to not put my feelings out there any longer and look like a fool... Yve called me out on it last year and it still seems relevant today. I don't mean to shut myself off but it's my defense mechanism... the way I avoid getting hurt...even if it's in my head... I am trying to work through it.. clearly I'm not perfect.. ..but lately I've found myself in that unknown position... and though it is probably all in my head... I'm afraid of letting myself be vulnerable without knowing how he feels....and I'm afraid of feeling the way that I do...and having it be just me...I feel like Dre and I have connected... and it's genuine... and refreshing.... and I was getting comfortable with the convos and openness... and him...even looking forward to them.... but lately I feel like maybe things are changing.... I don't like feeling like the pursuer... I don't like feeling like I care more than him or I have more time to dwell on it...or like I'm bothering him when messages go unanswered.... I don't want to be that woman....and I'm not going to talk about it openly so I can look like the fool.... even if it is all in my head...it will always be much easier for me to do it here than say how I feel... I swear I hate being the damn girl with emotional moments included.... the term "If I were a boy" is kind of relevant right now. I feel like I left myself open and it went unnoticed yesterday... For all I know he's being cautious too.. I don't know.. .I can't even believe that I'm thinking about this but I am..... I wish it could go back to how we were last week..when everything seemed balanced ... and we were fine...and I had an idea of how he felt..... but I don't know how to get back there now.. I don't know how we got here... and it bothers me that it bothers me...and I feel absolutely ridiculous...like I am tripping....I guess I am still on the emotional clock for another day....this is why I retreat back to my corner..behind my wall.. buried in my books.