Something about her.

I can keep this on repeat and just keep walking to the moon.


I think it was Sunday night. I had finally fallen asleep and then I had the most intense dream in a long while. Brian=B for Betrayal, my ex, was giving me a letter he'd scribbled on some Valentine's looking card. It was some bullshit excuse about who he was and why he did some of the things to me in the past. He was trying to get me to understand him and apologize. He was looking at me with those eyes hoping for a sign of understanding and perhaps a sign that I cared. You would think that the subconscious me would be wrapped around him, kissing him and forgiving him like in the past when he appeared in my dreams unannounced. Well not this time. I looked at the letter and I had nothing to say. Seriously. It did not sway me one bit. I felt absolutely nothing for him and his scribbles. It was so invigorating. I was basically done with him-even in my dreams. Unaffected. Beat it sucka! I keep trying to think about him and see if there is anything left but it's gone. I hope that's the last time that he appears as I've had enough of his intrusions.

I'm so busy growing and changing away from who I was then that he doesn't even fit who I am now. I think what helped me most was writing that list of positives and negatives a few months ago. I talk about him openly when relating with others and there is no longer that lump in the throat or the sad feeling.I know he isn't the one or isn't the one for me right now. I don't know what the future holds but I know my life is not going on hold for it. I needed to get my own closure and it was solidified when I ignored him in my dreams. Freud is a genius by the way.

Anyway, my mind is free of him and the past. I am so about doing me and someone worth having me do him, lol. Little bit of slackness. The only thing that I want now is a 9-5 to keep me busy. Keeping my fingers crossed for this opening across the block from my school in the Borough Hall office. I feel like once I have my job then I can take on the idea of seriously dealing with someone else.

I guess Jazzy is right about me in some ways. Money is my security blanket. I don't try to control anyone but knowing that I can handle things if I needed to makes me comfortable. I am so used to dropping the plastic and putting their minds at ease. I remember when I couldn't go out on the weekends with less than $500 and I wouldn't keep less than 5Gs in the checking. My motto used to be "If I can get it then I got it." Suzzie understands me and shares my sentiments exactly. Brian couldn't handle that though. It's a little hard to play the expected role and smile across the table while he fumbles with his wallet, but I try. I try not to make it seem like he has no purpose. Some men are insecure about a woman handling everything. You would think they would pat their pockets and be happy that I'd split the check or take care of it altogether. I learned.

That's the only real thing holding me back. A 9-5 to keep busy. Until then, my walls are still kind of up, figuratively speaking. I pity the man who tries to bring them down. He better be up for a challenge and ready to impress me. I'm not settling this time around. I'm not talking about him spending ridiculously on me either. I can do that by myself. I mean impress me by coming with your head focused and on point. Show me a gentleman who can dine in a restaurant and carry himself well. Or a man who can be smooth effortlessly. Charming. Someone who can adapt to any setting and hold his ground. In the meantime, I'm still focusing on my goals and I'm getting there. Two months until the end of the semester. I'm getting there.

Everyday I am walking down the street and I am feeling like I can fly. Possibilitiea are endless. I am loving my direction right now. I am loving how fine I am with myself and the new woman that I am becoming. I've been keeping to myself and small company. I'm growing continuously. I'm outdoing myself each day. I'm working it and I'm loving it! Every time I think about how far forward I've come.. I can't help but bow my head and mouth thank you. I am appreciative of being humbled and taking each steo. I'm coming into my own again without second guessing who I am. I'm building it. I'm making it. I'm doing it and I'm turning this bitch out!


sidenote- Ne-Yo can so get it. Truly . He is rocking the hell out of that Fedora and that is my weakness. I need a gentleman with swagger in the street and a beast between the sheets.

Sigh.Yes, he can get it.