I wonder..

I finally decided to venture outside my house last night and spend time with my people. Claire was hosting a get together in her apartment since we all hadn't had time to hang out together in months. I was a bit apprehensive about going because I have no interest in being around some shady ass people who were guaranteed to be there, but I hadn't seen my fav couple Cliff and Claire in a minute. So , I bit the bullet and gave into BFF's insistence that I go. I hadn't seen my BFF or my partner in crime,Tara, in a minute either. We're like the three stooges. Hilariously slack and foolish. Bff came to pick me up with Melanie in my front seat. Lol, this is what happens when you're the last one on the route thanks to Mel moving closer to BFF. I came outside with my umbrella opened and not a drop of rain was falling. Mel wasted not time calling me out and pointing out that there was no rain and I looked crazy. But I kept it opened as I walked to the car for dramatic purposes and the jokes began. I entered the car and remarked on how it looked so strangely familiar and that the two of them reminded me of two crazy ass people that I used to know. It's been months since we've all hung out. We're all wrapped up in life. Tara said BFF was just joking how he almost forgot what my house looked like. Slackness ensued.

Tara began to recount a recent cab ride with a bold faced Trini driver who had pointed out a woman that he was avoiding and he crossed the line of tact. He said she was the biggest woman he knows with the tightest pussy. He had no qualms about expressing how much he loves to eat and how he dumped her because she thought it was unsanitary. He went in and put Shekima's business out on the street! Yes, that's her name. By the end of the story BFF had us dying saying "Shakima's pussy got a Billboard. Her shit is out in the streets now!" I was dying laughing in shock and amazement that Mel 's mouth was so slack and the cab driver was so bold and BFF... well I expect it from him. He wasted no time talking bout how he love to eat his girl's "pork" as he calls it. He was being sooo Bajan, shouting how he loves him some pork...and then Tara starts asking question at which point I had to insist that we stop talking about his girl's " pork" cause it is of no interest to me.. They were just being real next level. Good times.

We got to Claire's and of course the two assholes were there. They could disappear from earth and I wouldn't miss a breath, but I put on my polite face and went on. We played games and joked the whole way through. It was guys against girls as usual. Somehow we got on to the conversation of gay males. Ahh, yes, we were watching Family Matters while playing Life. Someone mentioned how Waldo and Carl were gay in real life and you could tell even then.. and then we managed to get on to movies which led to Tyler Perry who Eric stood in such conviction when he shouted the man was gay and BFF jumped up with the same conviction shouting " Hell no!" TP AIN'T GAY! Soo Bajan. Everyone's cracking up. We're all laughing and arguing. Ne-Yo was accused and we women started raising Hell. Then other names were dropped. Puffy, Luther, Tevin Campbell,Johnny Gill, Shawn Wayans, 3T, B2k-specifically Omarion, Lil Bow wow, etc. I said anyone with a heavy lisp is gay. I was done. By the end of the convo we were all like damn and just shaking our heads laughing. We got competitive and slack. I made the mistake of putting my Corona down and saying let me swallow before I choke. The one time that I was sincere they all erupted in rambunctious laughter. Slack. It's something about this group of people. We always get together and spend an evening laughing our asses off over anything. Everyone is a comedian, entirely too slack and always has something to say.

Anyway, eventually my cousin Cliff came over. He and Claire have been together for about three years now. Like I said, they are my favorite non-dysfunctional couple. Their relationship is based on being a team and it's "We" not "Me" with them. They run things by each other, consider one another and after all of this time they are still affectionate in the simplest ways. I can't wait until he calls me to help him plan the engagement. As we all sat, laughed and talked politics, I was admiring the two of them as I drank my drink. They're focused. Both graduates and working for the same company. No kids. No drama. She helps him balance his books. He lets her be in charge but asserts himself when necessary..just like a man should, lol. It took them a lot of hard work and major compromise to get to where they were. He came from a relationship of betrayal and she hadn't had much experiences except that jack ass that we couldn't stand. Yet they found each other in college and made it work. The way they express their love for one another is special. I remember that day in D.R. when Claire told Cliff not to touch the pot because it was hot. The three of us were having breakfast in their villa while everyone else was in the pool house.He must not have heard because he touched it anyway and burned himself. He got mad at her and said she didn't warn him and she said he didn't listen. I stood outside the bathroom watching as he sat holding his hand in pain and she's next to him kneeling on the floor stroking his arm. At first he wouldn't let her touch his hand when she wanted to check it because he was hurting so much. She was soothing him and trying to get him to relax and he began to internalize the pain by keeping quiet and let her check his hand. In that instant I found it amazingly beautiful how they were fighting and then comforting each other in the same five minutes. The three of us went to the town's clinic and she paid for the visit. The rest of us went out that night, but she stayed in with him as he tried to heal.

Last night, I watched as they would hold hands or lay on each other randomly on the couch as we all joked and what not. It was like second nature for them. Three years and they are building their foundation together. They'll be in Disney World next week on their first vacation alone. Tara and I dragged him to the kitchen when Claire wasn't looking . We excitedly asked him if he was going to pop the question . He was hilarious. He laughed and said with what ring. He pointed out that we were in her apartment and he has yet to get his and he'll be broke after going on this trip. True. We all returned to the living room together where he continued saying at the rate she is going he is waiting for his ring, lol. Claire being Claire asked what ring? Being nosy. We laughed it off and said never mind. They'll get there though. Despite the haters and all. They'll get there and I'll be crying my little eyes out for them. They're probably the only young couple that I wouldn't mind seeing marriednow because they have their priorities in order and they understand what a relationship is about. It seems to be so lost on the others. I remember when Cliff was drunk on his bday two years back. We were all out at a lounge and Claire decided to take him home. She told him to tell everyone good night and he was like Good night ya'll. I love you for coming. I got to behave myself. I don't want to get her mad. I love this woman and the last thing I want to do is embarrass her and get her upset with me. He was so drunk but it was so sweet. Even in his state he was hopelessly in love.

I started remembering what that was like and thinking about the future. I could see myself cuddled up with my S/O without thinking about it. I'm always affectionate anyway. But it's the little things. I started day dreaming about it. Always in La La land. I just imagined sharing that type of love again with someone who understands me and supports me like I would them. Someone who would think about me when he makes major decisions. Who would take my side in a debate just because I'm his woman. Someone who is smart enough to know what's worth fighting about and what's best to be dismissed. Someone who would care about our future enough to want to let me help him balance his accounts and save or vice versa. Whatever. I don't know. Watching them just made me think about taking that step and not letting the thought of being with someone for that long scare me. It's not that it scares me so much as it's the fact that one person may be on the right page but the other is somewhere else. It's hard to find a guy who is level headed and mature enough to understand this. Not everyone understands that the concept of dating is to ultimately find the one that you want to be with and then build a relationship step by step. Not everyone understands that a long term relationship means that you are most likely together because you want to work towards getting to the next step and it takes hard work. I can't do the break up to make up nonsense or immature bs arguments. I don't want to have to deal with any games or foolishness.

I just want something normal and honest. I want to learn and grow with that other person and build something real . I don't want to just go through the motions or whatever. I don't want to find myself wondering what am I doing with him and then ending it That's why i haven't dated in so long. I know what I want and I don't want to waste time bs'ing with someone who I don't see things going further than 6 months. Or someone who doesn't have at least an almost solid plan for his future. I've dated the underachievers in the past and the ones who I knew in the back of my head that there was no way I'd see myself with them in the future, but that got old and depressing. I know what I want. I know where I'm going and I want someone who is going there too. I want someone who will be there with me when I am studying late nights like how my dad used to pick my mom up in the wee hours from the library. I want some one who will proudly take his woman's picture when I graduate. I want someone who will look out for me and show he cares in the simplest way. Someone who will pay attention and ask me how my day went. Little things. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get there. I want to get there but it's easier to just ignore the whole idea to avoid the disappointment in not being there.I mean even KK's been with his lover for three years. Joan and hers are going on three and Tiff and her crazy ass man are pushing five years. Bff and his are almost pushing a year.Mara is pushing three. I want that person that I can go with on vacation. Just the two of us. Next to Claire, I am the most level headed when it comes to how non-dysfunctional, open and honest relationships should work and yet here I am. I purposely put myself in this position in the past, but now I feel like as much as I would like to have someone who would meet me after class..I'd be better off just not thinking about it. I want it, but I want to take my time. I'd need to take my time. I want to not have a need to keep the walls up and back away. I want to be comfortable enough with someone that it just happens. I don't know. This stupid love thing can get annoying and I am becoming borderline pitiful with the romantic thoughts and nonsense.